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pseudo-ridiculous news story of the day

Josh — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 05:00:21 +0000

Customers injured in crush suing Walmart

I’m on the fence about this one. On the one hand, I do think that it is Walmart’s, and all stores’, responsibility to maintain order within their store.

On the other hand, you can’t sue Walmart for people being greedy pricks. The intensity of the rush of people into that store was likely beyond what Walmart was ready for. Should they have been ready for it? I don’t think so. I think it is perfectly reasonable for the owners of any business of this sort to assume that the people who are going to enter it will be civil and courteous. I know that that seems outrageous, considering the type of degenerates who shop at Walmart, but the way I see it, thinking that the people who enter your store negatively will set a bad example, and will make people have negative attitudes when entering your store. I’m thinking of this on an energy scale — negative energy changes the way things occur in nature. So does positive nature. It’s all karma/quantum physics stuff, really.

The truth is, there is very little that Walmart could do from preventing a bunch of morons from rushing into a store like that. I guess they could’ve had armed guards with their guns pointed at everyone, but I think that breaks laws. So I don’t think that Walmart should be sued.

Thoughts?

ridiculous news story of the day!

Josh — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 03:01:46 +0000

From CNN.com: Second Life affair ends in divorce

I … I …

Honest to god, I don’t know where to begin. I guess I’ll just go paragraph by paragraph.

WARNING: This blog was rated R for Adult Language and Adult Concepts. Plus I say “cock” a couple of timesWHOOPS.

LONDON, England (CNN) – A British couple who married in a lavish Second Life wedding ceremony are to divorce after one of them had an alleged “affair” in the online world.

Oh god. Oh god. Please wait for me, I must catch my breath from laughing so hard.

Amy Taylor, 28, said she had caught husband David Pollard, 40, having sex with an animated woman. The couple, who met in an Internet chatroom in 2003, are now separated.

A few things:
1. She’s 28, he’s 40?!
2. I love that they make sure that we know that he was having sex with an animated woman. As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough.
3. I’m sorry, but how ugly/fat/depressed must these people be that he must cheat on his wife with a fucking ONLINE COMPUTER GAME. I … it’s boggling my mind.

“I went mad — I was so hurt. I just couldn’t believe what he’d done,” Taylor told the Western Morning News. “It may have started online, but it existed entirely in the real world and it hurts just as much now it is over.”

Does it? Is fucking an “animated” woman considered cheating? Seriously, I want to know. I understand the emotional context, but still … if you are playing a game where you have the ability to fuck people on it, wouldn’t you want to fuck everyone on it, all the time? I know I would.

Second Life allows users to create alter egos known as “avatars” and interact with other players, forming relationships, holding down jobs and trading products and services for a virtual currency convertible into real life dollars.

What they don’t say here is that Second Life is also a den of depravity (god bless you, ED), where people rape people more often than should in ANY life.

Taylor said she had caught Pollard’s avatar having sex with a virtual prostitute: “I looked at the computer screen and could see his character having sex with a female character. It’s cheating as far as I’m concerned.”

WHAT? So this guy was unhappy with his marriage so he had sex with a virtual prostitute? This means that there are prostitutes on Second Life. Like, women men who pretend to be women get up in the morning, put on the least disgusting pair of sweatpants they can find in their Mountain of Dirty Laundry (hint: they’re all disgusting), brush their teeth with a chicken leg, sit at their computer surrounded by every Little Debbie’s snack cake ever invented, log into Second Life, and spend upwards of eight hours a day having sex with other Second Life members — FOR MONEY?! This is a thing that happens?!

If there truly is an apocalypse, it will begin with Second Life.

The couple’s real-life wedding in 2005 was eclipsed by a fairy tale ceremony held within Second Life.

You realize that at some point these two abominations of intelligence, or others like them, are going to have kids, and someday they’re going to have to tell these children about how their wedding.

Kid: Mom, Dad, what was your wedding like?
Dad: Guhh … hold on, let me turn on m’oxygen machine … ahhh, that’s better. Well son, we married in our First Life by heading down to vegas in matching Jazzy scooters and having fat Elvis sing our wedding vows–
Mom: He wasn’t fat, honey.
Dad: Well he was fat by Elvis standards, and a skeleton by our standards.
Mom: We are massive.
Dad: We are like giant dollops of flesh and fat.
Mom: Like if God reached down into a vat of Human Parts and scooped up a big old scoop of fat.
Dad: If lard was personified, it would be us.
Mom: We are fat.
Dad: Anyhoo, after the marriage we had our honeymoon dinner at Carl’s Jr. and spent the next two weeks leveling up our World of Warcraft characters, while enjoying the folds of our flubber in the bedroom at night.
Mom: One fanciful night your father found the right fold and poof! You were conceived!
Son: Ew.
Dad: That is later in the story, darling.
Mom: I apologize for breaking chronology.
Dad: Our Second Life wedding, however, was a sight to see! Our priest was a man with a twelve inch cock for a nose, and the tip of his cock-nose spoke with the most beautiful melodic voice, and we had a choir of angels with giant vaginas flying above us, attempting to engulf various passersby with their enormous labia! My best man was completely naked, and her bridesmaids were all lesbians! And after the ceremony we all had sex while we played the hits of the band Journey! Have you heard of Journey, son?
Son: I am going to go back in time and kill your grandfather.

But Taylor told the Western Morning News she had subsequently hired an online private detective to track his activities: “He never did anything in real life, but I had my suspicions about what he was doing in Second Life.”

HAHAHAHAAAA. This just gets better and better. An “online” private detective? It was probably a twelve year old Korean boy, lady. Plus I guarantee when she says “He never did anything in real life,” she means it. I mean MEANS IT.

Pollard admitted having an online relationship with a “girl in America” but denied wrongdoing. “We weren’t even having cyber sex or anything like that, we were just chatting and hanging out together,” he told the Western Morning News.

And by “hanging out” he means their online genitals were hanging out, and by “chatting” he means “fucking. Online. Because we’re pitiful”. I also love the quotes around “girl in America” — even the author of this story is fairly certain that it was more like a 45 year old child molester than a girl.

Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.

HAHA, she can’t find love in Second Life so she find love in WoW. How quaint. Can’t love a human so you love a Night Elf.

I wish people would make these stories up so they wouldn’t be true.

ridiculous news story of the day

Josh — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 05:46:00 +0000

Rap fan pays fine rather than listen to classical music

Sometimes I forget that the United States is run by old farts, but then a story like this pops up. So this kid, Andrew Vactor, gets fined for playing rap music in his car too loudly. First off, in what world do you get fined for playing music too loudly? I can understand if it’s at night and you’re at a rager, doing kegstands and fondling ladies you think are eighteen but really aren’t, but what if you’re just driving? It’s July, you’ve got the windows rolled down, and you’re pumping “Gin and Juice” on your new 40′ subwoofers as you ride down the street. Where’s the harm in that?

This had Old People written all over it. Old People are the only people who would even consider calling the police over such an “offense.”

“Yes, officer, I’d like to issue a complaint. There are a gang of negroes down the street just blasting their music. It’s so loud I can’t even hear Wheel of Fortune! I don’t know what letters the contestant are picking! How will I be able to solve the puzzle, officer? How will I be able to solve the puzzle?“

I’d like to know how this kid got fined. As in, where he was, what he was doing, etc. Did he get pulled over in his car? Was he at a parking lot, smoking a big-ass blunt with his homies? Was he in his house, blasting the music so that his parents wouldn’t hear him having sex with his underage girlfriend? Ohhhh, the possibilites are endless. The point is, the kid got fined for listening to music he likes.

I wonder how many grandpas get fined for turning their 45s of Benny Goodman all the way up to compensate for their hearing aid. Nothing like heairng the shrill wail of the clarinet blaring out of an old man’s house as he attempts to jitterbug with his walker. It’s hard to lindy hop with an artificial hip, isn’t it?

Here’s my point: People hate it when other people play loud music that they don’t like. Period. I would hate it if I heard Toby Keith’s latest pro-American anthem jangling down the street. Or if some middle-ages woman decided to fire up some Celine Dion while pruning her hedges. It would annoy the shit out of me. But I wouldn’t fine them! I wouldn’t get the police involved! That’s just ludicrous! That’s like if you walked down the street and saw a man wearing a bright dayglo green shirt and thought it was too “loud,” so you called the cops on him. You do, however, have the right to question that man’s sexuality, but you don’t fine him!

Now, the judge, Susan here, she thought she was witty. She thought, well, if he likes rap music, then I’ll make him listen to Beethoven! Really loud! That’ll get him. The idea being that if he listened to 20 hours of it, they’d reduce his fine.

What was Andrew’s response? He listened to it for fifteen minutes, gave up, and paid the full fine of $150. But it wasn’t the music that was the problem, it was that he had a basketball practice. Which makes me wonder — how were they making him listen to this music? Were they going to put him in a room, slap some headphones on him, and watch as he listened? For twenty hours? What good does that help anyone?

Here’s another point I’d like to make: No one hates classical music. You might say that you do, but really, how can you hate it? You might not like all of it, but you’ve got to admit, when that song for the Beef, It’s What’s For Dinner song comes on, you’re humming along. Or when Elmer Fudd sang “Kill the wabbit, kill the waaabbit,” in that one Warner Brother cartoon, you were digging it. Although that’s opera, which is a different thing altogether. Still, you can’t deny the universal appeal of Beethoven. He’s everywhere, even if you don’t know it.

Anyway … I love it when people attempt poetic justice and fail outright. This judge was like, “Here’s how he likes this!” and tried to make him listen to classical music and he was like, “Uh, no, here’s the money.” Shot down, judge lady! Try again!

Let’s also talk for a bit about the audacity of this judge to assume that the people she’s dealing with are narrow minded. From the article:

She’s also taped TV shows for defendants in other cases to watch on topics such as financial responsibility. As she sees it, they get the chance to have their fine reduced “and at the same time broaden their horizons.”

Emphasis mine. So what is she saying? That this Andrew kid is narrow-minded? Maybe Andrew listens to classical music all the time. Maybe he spends his evenings listening to Mozart while working on homework. Maybe he’s getting a degree in music … she has no right to assume that since he listens to rap music, loudly, in his car, his horizons are not “broad” enough. Maybe Andrew’s hobby is calligraphy. Or stuffing tiny ships into glass bottles. Or painting. Or wild forms of free verse poetry. She has no idea.

Why not, instead of “fighting fire with fire,” so to speak, why not just educate the kid in a more lenient way: give him classical music. Not in a condescending way, just in a friendly way. The kid gets busted for playing music too loud, so he goes to the judge, and she says, “I’m going to reduce your fine and give you some Beethoven to listen to.” Maybe the kid likes it, and he listens to Beethoven from now on. Maybe he hates it and throws it in the garbage the first chance he gets. Either way, considering the kid didn’t really do anything wrong to begin with, it doesn’t make sense to try and turn the tables like that.

What a stupid story.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go blast some Bach fugues from my Impala. Peace!