Tag Archives: playwriting

the twitter stripper, the introvert’s penmanship, and the pale-faced play review

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This is gonna be a long post, I reckon, to make up for all the short updates I’ve been doing.  It feels good to be writing again!

1.  The Twitter Stripper.  

A week or two ago I was walking to the bus stop from work, when I passed a young, attractive punk-ish looking girl walking a tiny dog and getting stuff out of her van.  She wore black tights and leopard-skin bike shorts, and a big leather jacket and a “fuck you” sneer on her face.  Needless to say, I was in love.  As I passed by I wondered if she lived at the house next to us — an older looking brown house with Halloween decorations  (tombstones, spiderwebs, etc) still affixed to the front lawn.  It seemed like a perfect fit.  But, alas, my poor social skills forbade me to talk to her.  Besides, she might punch me in the face or something.  She probably has a Billy Idol shrine in her closet.

So I passed her by.

The next day, on Twitter, I see this tweet from PDXPipeline:

Just saw Portland’s favorite exotic dancer, Malice,walking her mini Dobermans outside Creme. New hair color http://twitpic.com/1bge0

I, being a fan of pretty ladies, clicked the link.  And guess who it is?  It’s the punk lady from the other day!  Crazy hair and leather jacket and all.  I knew there was more to her than meets the eye (or less, I suppose, once she gets on stage…).

This led me to the following thought: What would I say to this woman if she was giving me a lapdance?  I’ve always been the Embarrassed Guy at the strip club (and I’ve only been to a strip club once, so we’re talking 100% success rate1), and all I could imagine was how I’d try to work in that I knew she was a stripper from Twitter.  Something like this:

SCENE: Strip club.  JOSH, sitting in a chair in a private booth.  MALICE enters, fully nude.  She clutches a twenty dollar bill in her teeth.

MALICE.  One of your friends bought you a lapdance, huh?
JOSH. It appears so.
MALICE.  Gotcha.

She plops down on JOSH’S lap, begins to grind slowly.

A beat.

JOSH.  So, how are you?
MALICE.  I’m good, baby.  How are you feeling?
JOSH.  I’m fine.
MALICE.  Are you ready for me?
JOSH.  Uh … yes?
MALICE.  Good.

Beat.  MALICE is lapdancing, JOSH is looking awkward.  He feels he must initiate some form of conversation, so that he can rise above the “average” lapdance receiver: the grimy dude with his front teeth missing or the fat trucker with the wicked mustache.  So:

JOSH.  You know, it’s funny…
MALICE.  What?
JOSH.  You live across the street from where I work.
MALICE.  Oh yeah?
JOSH.  Yeah.
MALICE.  That’s not very funny.
JOSH.  I didn’t mean funny “ha ha,” I meant funny strange.  But not strange strange, I mean–
MALICE (puts a finger to his lips).  Shhhhh..

She continues to writhe on JOSH’S body, making all kinds of noises that would turn a regular man on.  But JOSH is no regular man — he is a socially awkward nerd.

JOSH.  I saw you on Twitter.
MALICE (sighs).  What?
JOSH.  I mean, I saw you at my work, right, but then later on I saw you on Twitter.  That’s how I knew you were a stripper.
MALICE.  What’s Twitter?
JOSH.  It’s a social networking site.  Like blogging, but only 140 character.  Microblogging, they call it.

Beat.

MALICE.  Your time is up. 

The end.

And that’s how I assume that would go.

2. The Introvert’s Penmanship

All of these stories, by the way, are linked by Twitter.

And this isn’t really a story, it’s just a theory I had while working today.  Basically, my theory is that introverted people have bad handwriting, and extroverted people have good handwriting.  Why?  Because introverts don’t need attention from others.  The most typical introvert characteristic is that they (we, I should say, I’m pretty introverted) feel drained after being around people for an extended period of time, while extroverts feel energized.  Penmanship, I believe, is something that reflects this introvert/extrovert characteristic, because writing is ultimately viewed by other people.  Introverts can’t be bothered to write well, I guess, is my ultimate point.  Extroverts WANT to write well so that it (and they) look good to others, but introverts don’t care, because interaction with people isn’t important to them.

Something like that.  The idea makes sense in my head, but the English language is lacking the words I need to express myself, heh.

3. The Pale-Faced Play Review

Perfection, the play I am currently in, has been featured in the Oregonian twice:  once as a story about the meaning of the show itself, and now as a review.  I can’t really tell if the reviewer enjoyed the play or not — he says it ventures too close to “melodrama” and is “emotionally overwrought,” both of which aren’t untrue, necessarily (the play deals with a heavy subject), but he doesn’t specifically say that those detract from the show itself.  He insinuates it, of course, and insinuation is the reviewer’s best friend — the ability to say you hate something without saying outright that you hate it.

I don’t generally pay attention to play reviews.  I know actors say this a lot, and while I will admit that I think it kicks ass when I get a good review, I don’t get all distraught if I get a bad one.  I can tell if I’m in a bad show, and I’ve been in a couple2.

But in this review the guy said I was “intriguing” but looked “ghoulish” with my stage makeup and the stage lighting.  I guess this must’ve distracted him from my acting ability.  All I can think is that he added the “stage lighting” part because he must’ve realized, at some point in writing the review, that I can’t not be pale, and so he blamed it on something else.  My makeup can’t save my paleness; it has to be the same shade as my face or else it looks like I got a terrible fake tan.

Anyway, it just bugged me because this is my first show and the review for the show is that my makeup/the lighting sucks.  All the other castmates (save for Alex and Brian, who didn’t even get mentioned — what gives?!) got glowing reviews, but Josh is a pasty ghoul.  Le sigh.  I’m not planning on tanning any time soon, dude.

Helen, the playwright, is worried that the review will lower ticket sales, so we’re not sure if we’ll be playing past this Sunday.  Honestly, the reviewer’s stance on the play itself is merited — it is a little melodramatic, but I don’t know what else it could be.  It’s about sterilization of people, for Chrissakes!  That’s a tragic thing, and this is a tragic play.

I guess we’ll see what happens this weekend.  If you’re in Portland, you should come see the show!  Here’s the website for more details.

And now to work on Test Comic comics and FAWM songs!

  1. It was a Boise strip club, though — no actual nudity. ↩
  2. They were all in college, though, so it doesn’t count ↩

various recommendations and whatnot

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My brother has season 1 and 2 of Dexter, and we spent most of Saturday watching the entire second season in anticipation of season 3. I’m surprised how much I enjoy that show. From a theatrical standpoint, it follows a lot of thematic things that we used to talk about in Play Analysis class. I never thought that would ever happen. Like, for example, every character in the show has something to hide or sublimate. I used to scoff at the idea of every character in a play having the same fundamental action or motivation, because I thought it was impossible. But I see it in Dexter. Michael Hall is a fantastic actor. It’s amazing how well he can convey warmth in a serial killer. I think it has something to do with his morals that allows us to go with him. I mean if he were just a cold-blooded serial killer, that would be one thing, but he has feelings (even though he says he doesn’t) and he truly loves the people around him, even if they’re keeping him from being what he thinks he is, which is a cold-blooded serial killer.

God, that show is just really well put together. I’d delve into it more specifically but I don’t want to ruin any plot points for those of you who haven’t seen it. Get it on Netflix or buy it or whatever. It’s good. Even the voiceover is good, and I hate voiceovers. The only time voiceover works is when the character says one thing while the opposite is happening on screen, and thankfully that happens a lot on Dexter. It’s very good. Plus the second season has Jaime Murray in it (she plays Lila) and she is a hot, hot English woman and she’s naked or almost naked most of the season. It’s great.

The third season starts in like two weeks! I’m excited.

Right now I’m listening to the new Calexico album and I really enjoy it. It’s called Carried to Dust and it’s a lot more Latin feeling than their last album. I wasn’t a huge Calexico fan before but I think this album will be listened to a lot.

ummm, that’s about it right now, really. I’m still job hunting. Oh, I have an audition for a play in a week or so! It’s a new play by local Portland playwright Helen Hill. She was kind enough to send me a copy of the play to read before the audition and I have to say it’s pretty good. I think it could use a polish or two with regards to dialogue and scene stuff, but that might get fixed in rehearsal. And even if it doesn’t it’ll still be a good production, hopefully. It pays well enough. Assuming I rock the audition. It’s about eugenics in the 1920s through the 60s. The play primarily takes place in 1934 and is about a doctor who sterilizes poor, “feeble-minded” people so they won’t reproduce. It raises some interesting questions, primarily about the morality of eugenics and a somewhat elitist take on “survival of the fittest”; namely, the question of what it means to be the “fittest.” The script right now to me seems a bit too dry and presentational but it can be limbered up in rehearsal. I think it’s a solid premise though, and none of the characters are too obtuse or two-dimensional, with the slight exception of the doctor, who doesn’t really offer any good human explanation for why he cuts out poor women’s ovaries other than that they’re a blight on society (poor women, not ovaries). Again, if given the opportunity to discuss the play in a development session, I will bring this up, but other than that I just want to act and get paid for it, honestly. I think it’s a good show and I think people will like it.

My only problem is that I left all my playbooks in Boise. The only play I have here is The Glass Menagerie. Why I have it, I don’t know, but it looks like I’ll be pulling out a Tom monologue with some Shakespeare backups. Boy oh boy.

(Seriously though, it would rock if I got cast in this show, so send some good vibes if you got ‘em)

The job hunting still sucks. I have sent resumes to tutors and people who want someone to teach guitar to middle school kids for a couple of weeks, and receptionists, and etc etc etc. I really don’t want a shitty job and I feel like I’m in a good place to pace myself a little bit (not a lot, though, but at least my brother and his wife aren’t really living paycheck to paycheck…). Hopefully something good and achieveable will come up soon. Again, more good vibes!

That’s all for now!

job-hunting part x: the final dimension

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Here is an interesting thing: the best way to get a job is to network, correct? And the best way to network is to meet people, right? So why are so many companies now forcing applicants to apply online, away from managers and bosses? I find this awkward. Hastings did this, and other big companies do it too, and I don’t understand why, other than it helps decrease the amount of work a hiring manager does (if they even have a hiring manager). But this begs the question: what the hell does a hiring manager do? It seems like these days people who work to interview potential work candidates aren’t doing their job — they’re letting a computer do it for them. So instead of getting a handwritten application (handwriting tells a lot about a person, doncha know), they get a form e-mailed to them that states a person’s worth in nothing but words. Their whole life, in a sense, is condensed into a one to two page resume, with optional cover letter attached.

The greatest irony for me with regard to applying for jobs is that I have a great writing voice, and yet I have no place to showcase it on an application. I probably completed the greatest application online ever recently. It was for DirecTV. I got sick of repeating the same old stuff I’ve been writing for everyone, constantly looking at my lack of experience, my terrible job history, and so when I filled out this online application I noticed that they had actual text boxes for me to write in, instead of radio buttons or check boxes. So I wrote and actually injected a little humor into the whole thing. I hope it works. I mean, come on, those people know that there are millions of people right now writing out millions of applications, typing countless accomplishments into countless computers as they update their resumes on careerbuilder. They have to know that this process is time-consuming and generally shitty. They have to. It’s not about the job itself, it’s about the process of getting the job. The job could be fighting mountain lions in a pool filled with ice cream sandwiches (best job ever) and I’d still get pissy about filling out the application form. It’s just draining.

And, you know, when I do finally get an interview it will allow me to be cool with a real live person, but even that’s daunting. I have a good personality and all but job interviews aren’t having coffee at the Dawson Taylor’s across the street, you know? You have to sit in a room and impress someone within five minutes of meeting them. You don’t get a chance to shoot the shit, or get to know the person. You just have to say, “I have certificates in every type of Microsoft software known to man. I can decode Windows 3.1 in two minutes flat.”

I can’t imagine being a hiring manager, just because I would want to get to know everyone, and it would be impossible. Instead of asking them about their qualifications, I’d be askind them what their favorite soft drink was. Instead of their job experience, I would inquire about their abilities in making sandwiches.

I wrote a short play called “Myspace Resume” which will never ever be produced, but was about a young goth kid who used a myspace survey for an application. So the boss calls him in for a job interview just to set this kid straight and the kid’s such a sorry sack of shit that the boss hires him out of pity. I only bring that up because I think I’d rather read someone’s myspace survey than their resume. It just seems so much more personal, and I’d rather hire someone who I could like and did the job well than someone who was excellent at the job but was a complete jackass.

But then again, I’m the unemployed one, aren’t I?

—————-
Now playing: Hercules & Love Affair – This Is My Love
via FoxyTunes

music roundup

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Fleet Foxes! Fleet Foxes is out and it is great! It’s just like their demos on their myspace, but better. It’s a great summery folky album with lots of cathedral-esque reverb. Everyone should listen to it with their blinds open, or outside, maybe while fishing. I bet it’s a great fishing album. Or maybe on a long drive down a country backroad. While blowing the seeds off a dandelion. I don’t know.

I also got the new Weezer album … I consider it a step up from Make Believe, but still not even as good as the Green Album, which means they’ve still got a ways to go before they reach Blue status. I doubt they ever will. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I mean that I think Rivers is done writing songs that are socially relevant in the way Blue was. I mean, nerds loved that album, let’s just be honest about it. And Pinkerton. They shaped a nation of true emo kids, back when emo was sweater vests and quiet songs, and when Dashboard Confessional was relevant. Not this dress all in black shit.

Anyway, Rivers is too old to write songs like that. He doesn’t have those problems anymore. Does that mean he should stop making music? Of course not. In a way it means he gets to write about whatever he wants — which he does these days. But sonically, aurally, I guess, as an album, Maladroit and Make Believe weren’t that great. At least Red sounds good. It has a good flow to it, and some of the songs rock out and some fall flat (Heart Songs, anyone?). I really like the Pat Wilson song, Automatic, though. I like Wilson’s stuff. The Special Goodness is nice, I think.

Oh yeah, that was the other album I got. Land, Air, Sea or whatever it’s called. I like it. It’s a bit samey, but it’s good and rockin’, and Pat really knows how to shred.

Well, right now I’m working on yet another play idea. I won’t talk about it other than to say it’s kind of epic, which is cool. So I’ll continue with that. ‘Til we meet again!

inspiration

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Sometimes when I get a creativity block in one particular artistic thing, I just jump to another and hope I can get something done there. For example, I recently recorded a surprisingly awesome song called “She Never Told Me,” which you can hear on my myspace profile. People really like it, and I really like it, and I want to record an entire EP for the summer, you know, with a really cool folksy, Animal Collective vibe to it. But lately I can’t think of a damn thing. All of my lyrics suck, the melodies aren’t cool enough. It’s driving me nuts.

So the past couple of days I wrote a play. About a guy who can’t think of a song to write. His pressures are a bit higher than mine: he needs the song by Monday and he hasn’t written anything, and he intentionally broke up his band and his relationship with his girlfriend so that he could get “in the zone,” so to speak, and he still can’t think of shit, but it’s roughly my state right now. It’s only a one act, but it’s pretty funny, though it needs a bit of work (the last scene sucks, but I’m working on it).

It’s just funny how if I can’t think of one thing, I’ll work on another.

This entry is all about me! Meeeeee!