From CNN.com: Second Life affair ends in divorce

I … I …

Honest to god, I don’t know where to begin.  I guess I’ll just go paragraph by paragraph.

WARNING: This blog was rated R for Adult Language and Adult Concepts.  Plus I say “cock” a couple of timesWHOOPS.

LONDON, England (CNN) – A British couple who married in a lavish Second Life wedding ceremony are to divorce after one of them had an alleged “affair” in the online world.

Oh god.  Oh god.  Please wait for me, I must catch my breath from laughing so hard.

Amy Taylor, 28, said she had caught husband David Pollard, 40, having sex with an animated woman. The couple, who met in an Internet chatroom in 2003, are now separated.

A few things:
1. She’s 28, he’s 40?!
2. I love that they make sure that we know that he was having sex with an animated woman.  As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough.
3. I’m sorry, but how ugly/fat/depressed must these people be that he must cheat on his wife with a fucking ONLINE COMPUTER GAME.  I … it’s boggling my mind.

“I went mad — I was so hurt. I just couldn’t believe what he’d done,” Taylor told the Western Morning News. “It may have started online, but it existed entirely in the real world and it hurts just as much now it is over.”

Does it?  Is fucking an “animated” woman considered cheating?  Seriously, I want to know.  I understand the emotional context, but still … if you are playing a game where you have the ability to fuck people on it, wouldn’t you want to fuck everyone on it, all the time?  I know I would.

Second Life allows users to create alter egos known as “avatars” and interact with other players, forming relationships, holding down jobs and trading products and services for a virtual currency convertible into real life dollars.

What they don’t say here is that Second Life is also a den of depravity (god bless you, ED), where people rape people more often than should in ANY life.

Taylor said she had caught Pollard’s avatar having sex with a virtual prostitute: “I looked at the computer screen and could see his character having sex with a female character. It’s cheating as far as I’m concerned.”

WHAT?  So this guy was unhappy with his marriage so he had sex with a virtual prostitute?  This means that there are prostitutes on Second Life.  Like, women men who pretend to be women get up in the morning, put on the least disgusting pair of sweatpants they can find in their Mountain of Dirty Laundry (hint: they’re all disgusting), brush their teeth with a chicken leg, sit at their computer surrounded by every Little Debbie’s snack cake ever invented, log into Second Life, and spend upwards of eight hours a day having sex with other Second Life members — FOR MONEY?!  This is a thing that happens?!

If there truly is an apocalypse, it will begin with Second Life.

The couple’s real-life wedding in 2005 was eclipsed by a fairy tale ceremony held within Second Life.

You realize that at some point these two abominations of intelligence, or others like them, are going to have kids, and someday they’re going to have to tell these children about how their wedding.

Kid: Mom, Dad, what was your wedding like?
Dad: Guhh … hold on, let me turn on m’oxygen machine … ahhh, that’s better.  Well son, we married in our First Life by heading down to vegas in matching Jazzy scooters and having fat Elvis sing our wedding vows–
Mom: He wasn’t fat, honey.
Dad: Well he was fat by Elvis standards, and a skeleton by our standards.
Mom: We are massive.
Dad: We are like giant dollops of flesh and fat.
Mom: Like if God reached down into a vat of Human Parts and scooped up a big old scoop of fat.
Dad: If lard was personified, it would be us.
Mom: We are fat.
Dad: Anyhoo, after the marriage we had our honeymoon dinner at Carl’s Jr. and spent the next two weeks leveling up our World of Warcraft characters, while enjoying the folds of our flubber in the bedroom at night.
Mom: One fanciful night your father found the right fold and poof! You were conceived!
Son: Ew.
Dad: That is later in the story, darling.
Mom: I apologize for breaking chronology.
Dad: Our Second Life wedding, however, was a sight to see!  Our priest was a man with a twelve inch cock for a nose, and the tip of his cock-nose spoke with the most beautiful melodic voice, and we had a choir of angels with giant vaginas flying above us, attempting to engulf various passersby with their enormous labia!  My best man was completely naked, and her bridesmaids were all lesbians!  And after the ceremony we all had sex while we played the hits of the band Journey!  Have you heard of Journey, son?
Son: I am going to go back in time and kill your grandfather. 

But Taylor told the Western Morning News she had subsequently hired an online private detective to track his activities: “He never did anything in real life, but I had my suspicions about what he was doing in Second Life.”

HAHAHAHAAAA.  This just gets better and better.  An “online” private detective?  It was probably a twelve year old Korean boy, lady.  Plus I guarantee when she says “He never did anything in real life,” she means it. I mean MEANS IT.

Pollard admitted having an online relationship with a “girl in America” but denied wrongdoing. “We weren’t even having cyber sex or anything like that, we were just chatting and hanging out together,” he told the Western Morning News.

And by “hanging out” he means their online genitals were hanging out, and by “chatting” he means “fucking.  Online.  Because we’re pitiful”.  I also love the quotes around “girl in America” — even the author of this story is fairly certain that it was more like a 45 year old child molester than a girl.

Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.

HAHA, she can’t find love in Second Life so she find love in WoW.  How quaint.  Can’t love a human so you love a Night Elf.

I wish people would make these stories up so they wouldn’t be true.